My calls me The Boss. Like, if he's asked to a shift at work, he'll say, "I've gotta check with The Boss. We might have on." One might think that the of not your own would be for or high- with . But , that list also my . And a lot of my ' and .

I know I'm meant to see this as a good thing: that to me as The Boss me the power or the . But in a , that also means the of . It means being the one to 's and buy them ; the one to book 's , the on the flat, and look into car . It means " wills!" or "Get new !" at the top of your to-do list every week. And it means being the sole of the guilt that when you never quite it all.

Quite , I'd not be The Boss. It's .

I was by how many women in had a of — male ones — who their to "fix" them . . .Why do women so often find in this ?

Now, I do what a this is to be in, to the way until quite . "" of the 1950s sat women in the ; we 't even get a card a from our until 1974. So, , one might argue that the power now is a , that as every movie tells us, "With great power comes great "? Is it a gross for of norms? Or still, is it that it's been this way – that, to the of "My Big Fat Greek ," women are the neck of the , the head any way it wants?

How " " is

I'll admit, I am for this. I to be Woman,to "have it all" and "do it allwho run the world girls," out of a for a weird kind of where I was if I didn't ask for any help or admit I was . I have taken pride in being and , and it is hard to that from who I am of my . But it's a to be in, being at the wheel you to your for the sake of : to be the one to pull an all-, or lay awake about the bills will get paid, or if you're in your , or if it's your niece's this week or next week. (And who can you ask she's seven and you know her damn by now?)

And I know I'm not alone. As it clear the , women have taken on a of in their home and lives. We have not only taken on the of , but we are more than men to be put on , and more to lose our jobs. The PwC "Women in Work 2021"found that women now spend 7.7 more hours per week on , of the way in which "COVID-19 has the of care and work by women." What's more, are that the will also pay .

This is, of , not to say that men to their 。 My is and was I met him; I could tell you of great about him and my ' 。 Nor is this to say that this of run to male — the is true too, when into same-sex or in which one or more as non-。 But the more I spoke with my about their and began to on my own , I was by how many women in had a of — male ones — who their to "fix" them。

To be a -eyed manic pixie dream girl onto their every word they waxed about The and with the very of being a boy and, later, of being grown men。 Why do women so often find in this ?

The of this was on me as I my novel, "The Fixer Upper." It on a 30- woman who gives more to her than to her own life and – how her past from their time – a women by " up" their and that labor on their . I knew what this ( too ) might look like for in their 20s and 30s; I didn't know the "how" or the "why" of it all just yet. But as I Aly's story, the both her and my own more clear.

It took a so much like into to see the ways in which my to was and force me to more.

Women are to that is the only way to you are loved。 That you are first, and then , and then, if you all your , you might be lucky to love。 It's true of how I've and, , it has stuck with me for most of my life: from the I never to say "no" to, for fear of them down; to the ex- who we rent an in his 't cope with going home, even I had to work two jobs to it (and I could have lived at home); or to the of male my life who a to their heads and tell them they were smart and and 。

who are in aren't so out of the of their : they are doing so they have an and to be loved。

That can be a hard pill to , and an even habit to break. Even now, in a , , I'm aware of how being to crave love has our .

And into the – if you to do so – only the . Case in point: for most of my life, the only thing I didn't was my time. is how I make my , but it is also my and my , and so it my one, . But then I had a baby boy and, , a new man came into my life, whose needs round the clock that I give up my , my sleep , and my of the hell I was he came into the world. His an new wave of to our home life – from , baby , , , – that I now take on one-.

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, of , this kind of in a way that do not. Yet as I began the of that come with new , it was the of a novel about the of labor like "The Fixer Upper"that made me even more to carve out even the space in my life where I was still "me." Where the and the and "" 's were not my . ,it took a so much like into to see the ways in which my to was and force me to more.

Many women to the idea that we can "have it all." We're told we can be and and and and wives and else. And not only that we canwho run the world girls, but we , we must. But I worry that we feel like we need to "have it all" at once: that as a of would-be Women, we are to show how we are and, as a , feel like we're . And we're to be about it, while we work so hard to hold and , we give so much of to in the that we fall apart at the seams.

I don't have the , when you're all the , them smash doesn't feel like an . But I know I'm going to go back to ring that tiny of time for me, so that I don't have to write books one-, and so that when my son grows up he doesn't to on a for .

I'm going to ask for a from being The Boss, I don't want to fix or . I just want to be one of two in a boat, each with an oar, in the same .

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